*Timing Is Everything*

Last year on my 23rd birthday, I was overwhelmed by all that was happening around me and to me, that I had to start chronicling my emotions via a journal. For the first time I felt like I had agency over something. How divine it was to have agency in my own life! I was documenting my experiences and my emotions, on my terms, in a way that was both necessary and cathartic!

After a couple of months of writing and the death of my beloved grandmother (R.I.P. 2003), all of that came to a halt. Recently, I've felt void of a lot of things. Emptyness masked as fatigue, anger and discontentment set into my spirit and paralyzed my ability to force function, inspite of the dysfunction. Eventually, the initial emotions that spawned my journal writing returned with unmitigated venom.

I've been wanting to do something, but just couldn't force myself to pick that pen up again, until recently. A friend of mine, Michelle a.k.a Safire introduced me to her site. All I can say is: I've been hooked ever since.

My friend Tia and I have long been putting off our biggest endeavor yet...a work of fiction...ok, more like an integrated tell all of our lives. Its funny to me that I just used the words "tell all" because that implies that we actually have something to say...and frankly...my neuroses renders that deeply frightening!!

Its only been one day since discovering Safire's poignant words, but I've been inspired to pick up my pen....oops, I mean pull up to my laptop and start writing again. Truth be told, I haven't written anything in a year. Ok, well maybe it hasn't been a whole year, but its been a while.

But anyways, if the truth is really to be told, I've written tidbits of my life here and there, not enough for a full chapter, but enough to have discouraged me from continuing, until now.

Just the other day I was explaining how I'm at this point in my life of endless crossroads...(read) committing to shit is labor intensive...so I just haven't committed to much of anything!!!

I use to love to write, stories and poetry that is, not that (elitist-bullshit-I-take-my-self-way-too-seriously-inside-my-own-head) that exists in the land we call academia! I crave the simple shit. You know...that which brings about a kind of satisfaction that you can't tack a $30,000 price tag on and call it TUITION!

I want to write what I want, how I want, when I want and not give a damn who reads it. Apparently, the only way that will happen is if I make it happen! But first, I have got to tackle these demons...otherwise known simply as neuroses, you will learn more of these as time progresses...for they are their own entities in my life.

Confession: I miss being a psuedo-intellectual of my undergraduate years. I even fear that my analytic skills are withering away in my half-hearted pursuits of other unwanted splendor. However, at the same time I can't imagine climbing any deeper into that bullshit that is the academy. I mean, I brought my ass back home to attend the prestigous University of Chicago and I can't help but constantly question WHY? W-T-F WAS I THINKING??????

Response: Clearly I wasn't thinking at all, or better yet, I let the neuroses convince me that this Master's Program is exactly the stepping-stone I needed right now to prepare me for a Ph.D. in social welfare policy that I am supposedly ready for??? Yeah right!!! I've been kicking myself ever since.

So with that said, welcome to my weblog. Pull up to your computers and join me on my journey aptly entitled Conscious Disorder!

Happy Reading!

-M