To Rob and Safire...funny shit!!!

I had to make post of the this exchange between Rob and Safire. They are responses to my post What Are Men Like?

ROB'S FIRST RESPONSE

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

(I'm sure the ass-kicking will commence soon for this comment :)

SAFIRE'S RESPONSE

Hi = Will you fuck me?
Hey = Will you fuck me?
Could you come here for a minute = Will you fuck me?
What's your name? = Will you fuck me?
I'm in customer service = I work at McDonald's.
I'm in security = I'm a security guard...at Walgreens.
I'm going to school = I don't have a degree yet.
I'm doing a favor for my mother = I can't afford to get my own place.
Let me give you my cell phone number = I don't want you calling my Mama's house late at night.
Let me give you my card = Maybe you'll fuck me after you see what I do for a living.
I'm just saving up to buy my Benz = I drive a 1989 Escort.
Let's go to your house = We can't go to my house.
Let me call you back = I don't feel like talking to your ass right now.
Let me think about it = Let me see if I can borrow the money to make it happen, 'cause you know my broke ass ain't got it.
We can go next week = I get paid next week.
Let's just stay here and chill = I don't have the money to take you to the show.
You don't want to see that = I don't have the money to take you to the show.
I just want to lay up with my baby tonight = I don't have the money to take you to the show.
I want to see you = I want to fuck you.
I miss you = I want to fuck you.
I love you = I want to fuck you.
I want to marry you = I want to fuck you.
I want you to have my baby = I don't want you to fuck anybody else.
Do you love me? = Have you gotten tired of my broke ass yet?
I don't do that shit all the time = I'll be hiding my liquor/weed/porn intake from your bossy ass from now on.
It's going to be just guys = There might be some hoes there that I want to get on.
That's just my girl = I used to fuck her.
We used to work together = I used to fuck her.
We went to school together = I used to fuck her.
She used to date my boy = I used to want to fuck her.
I'm tired = I can't get it up.
I just want to sleep = I can't get it up.
I'm tired of you questioning me = It's getting hard to come up with excuses and lies for your nosy ass.
I can't believe you said that = How the fuck did you know that? Damn!
I don't know = I'm not admitting a damn thing.
It's whatever you want = Please just leave me the hell alone.
I just want you to be happy = I just want you to keep fucking me.

Oh, and I also have another little item to add to Maegen's list:

Men are like...the government...You always end up paying for the shit that they do wrong.

ROB'S FOLLOW-UP

Some translations (what women say, and what it really means):

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

(I'll grant you that yours were funnier, though...)