5 Habits of a Fake Hip-Hopper

So imagine this: a cozy venue, 500+ people, vast majority male, young and white, heads nodding, hands in the air, clouds of chronic smoke hanging low. What you ask? You’re at the concert of your favorite hip-hop act [insert name here]. For me, it’s The Roots. I absolutely love them and can’t get enough of them. As of Sunday, March 18, 2007, I've officially seen them in concert 18 times. A little obsessive you think? I’ll cop to a half-hearted maybe. Absurd? Not at all!!!! Any real head knows good hip-hop when they hear it and support it every chance they get.

I’ve been following The Roots for close to 10 years now. And while I agree with the statement in a recent New York Times review: The standard line on the Roots is that they’re the best live band in hip-hop, which is a bit like saying that “Lost” is the best show on television about an inscrutable tropical island; the review fails to correct the statement by saying: The Roots are just the best in the business period. What other act in any genre can boast consistency, continued relevance in an otherwise dying genre, growth and innovation with each album. There’s a reason they’re The Legendary and it sure as hell isn’t for making cookie-cutter ass radio jams and club bangers. What radio station do you know playing False Media? So, I’ll go on record right now and say: f@#k all of you Phrenology, The Tipping Point and Game Theory haters. If you were looking for everything after Things Fall Apart to be like Things Fall Apart, then you missed it. Go back to listening to the commercial garbage and leave the intelligent music to the intelligent listeners!

I can go on and on about The Roots, but this blog isn’t really about them, as much as it is about the things I’ve witnessed at countless hip-hop shows by so called hip-hop fans. I call them the 5 habits of fake hip-hoppers simply because real fans don’t need antics. Real fans are present for the music and for a true love of and participation in hip-hop culture. So, if you've witnessed the shit described below, then you know what I’m talking about. If you’ve done any of the shit below, then shame on you.

(1) The Stationary Front-Row
Why must the front row of every hip-hop show be lined with a handful of young white guys who refuse to move? I mean, no head-nodding, no rocking, no rhyming along, no nothing. If it weren’t for the involuntary blinking, you wouldn't know those fools were alive. What’s the point? Why are you there? Other than pissing off the late folks, like me, who have to plot and elbow their way to the front (yeah, I do…what?), what is your purpose for holding up the front row?

(2) The Clack-Wearers
Why is it that some women seem to think that style means weaing heels with every outfit? It never cease to amaze me the number of women who come to standing room only concerts in 3 inch+ heels. Like, seriously? Are you really thinking that your heels are going to withstand your anorexic frame for three hours? Clearly you’re diluted as you tip toe across a nasty venue floor barefoot, at the end of the night, shoes in hand. What kind of craziness is that? Your shoes aren’t getting you backstage groupie, kneepads on the other hand, just might!!!

(3) The Drunk White Girls (yeah, y'all again)
Why oh why must you and your best gal pals go to hip-hop shows, get drunk and then make out with each other? What is the point? Why do 500 people need to witness your inebriated PDA? If you aren’t there for the music, then why the fuck are you there?

(4) The Couples (dudes who bring their girls to shows)
Why do guys bring their girls to shows, when she is not a fan or he is overly jealous? I firmly believe that some couples need to participate in their hobbies/interests without their significant other. I have witnessed time and time again, the uninterested girlfriend, standing, looking miserable as hell because her grease-wrapped perm is kinking up at the roots and her feet hurt. Seriously fellas, if she doesn’t want to be there, leave her ass at home. On the flip side, if your girl is overzealous at shows (read: a flirtatious ho) and you’re the jealous type, then a concert might not be the outing for y’all. No one needs to be all up in your relationship drama when she’s trying to holla at the mc on stage. You knew how she got down when you got with her. Don’t get to the show acting all brand new when she flashes her tits and blow kisses to dude on stage. Leave that ho at home the next time. Take your boy to the show!

(5) The Kanye West Wannabes (hip-hop ain’t got nothing on me)
Why is it that you are guaranteed to see at least two dudes at a show, dressed in pastel-colored polo shirts (which btw is just straight played), collars popped, distressed jeans, any variety of air force ones and sunglasses thinking they're just way too hip-hop for hip-hop. You know the type. They’re the ones heckling the DJ, booing the opening acts and trying to show off their psuedo skills by freestyling to every song, as if somehow 500 people are there to see them. They often yell out requests to artists to perform songs that were only recorded on some obscure mixtape noone's ever heard. They're straight losers, waste of time ass dudes who need to get a life because a record deal just ain't in the cards. Sorry fellas!

So the next time you're at a show and witness any of the above, sock that offender in the head, on behalf of hip-hop!