I know that in every experience good, bad or indifferent, there are always lessons to learn. Whether I learn the lesson when I'm going through something or not, I ultimately believe that shit happens for a reason. Unfortunately, I don't always get it, but I do, however, accept that that maybe I'm not always meant to understand. And that's ok; when that happens, I simply hold firm in my belief that one day it will all make sense.
With that said, August surely proved itself to be one hell of a month. I managed to have several days of sheer joy in seemingly little things; yet at the same time, dealt with what seemed like a neverending string of twisted, drama-filled, incomprehensible and rather unfortunate events. It got so bad that at one point, I paced the entire length of small, yet ultra cozy apartment at least a 100 times, trying desperately to figure it all out. And after that didn't work, I did what I should have done from the very beginning. I surrendered! I announced to God and my apartment, with windows and blinds wide open (because my July electricity bill made it clear that it would be financial suicide to run my air conditioner any longer), "Lord, I don't get it."
I know my landlord and neighbor heard me. They were out there watering the damn lawn and plants....AGAIN! They probably glanced up ay my window several times as I paced back and forth, thinking that I had surely lost my mind, but I don't care. And oh, who knew that the reason they were always out there watering crap was because they're growing tomatoes and zucchini. All the while I thought they were watering just to annoy the shit out of me.
Why...you wonder?
Well, we have a comfortable size backyard with grass, tons of trees and plants galore. All of this natural greenery harbors all sorts of bugs and critters. The more they water, the more bugs and critters come out. And if that ain't bad enough, my landlord has a large, mixed breed, dalmation looking, barking ass dog, who shits all over the yard and then runs through the puddles of water leaving tracks of mud, shit and grass everywhere. The backyard is a regular old pig pen, for which I of course, live in the free-standing rear apartment and am forced to hopscotch my way to my front door. Needless to say, I haven't been happy about this watering business, but I digress...
I surrendered and sought answers and a deeper understanding for all that I had some how managed to experience and overcome. I hit some real low points, but remained standing (minus that one night...a bottle of wine, a bathtub and one very long, sobbing and incoherent phone call...but thats a whole other blog). While I ain't much in the mood for details, I will say that it was a combination of my usual menu...feeling overwhelmed at work, pressure from my upcoming final quarter of graduate school, family drama, serious financial woes and other personal shit. For me feeling overwhelmed by anything, especially work and/or school..."ain't no ho," if I may quote Robyn, safire's little sis.
Looking back, not all of the drama was even worth the emotional toll, but it also wasn't a futile exercise. I learned some valuable lessons that have put me at peace with a few situations. And finding calm amidst any storm is always a welcomed presence. Life is just far too short to spend portions of our lives incapsulated with drama. It's inevitable that at times we will become unhappy, frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. But, when we allow ourselves to be totally consumed by these emotions; we paralyze our ability to see and think clearly, to learn and to heal. We hold on to old hurt for dear life, truly afraid to find out that maybe all that exists in that space of old hurt is old hurt. And then, we're just far too ashamed to admit that while time has progressed, people have grown, lives have changed, we've been stuck in a time warp of anger and bitterness, blaming someone else for our own condition.
Over the past month or so, I've found regular comfort in a few things.
1.
I have developed a real love for diet coke! There is just something about that first sip of an ice cold one that can put me at ease with the world. The cool crisp liquid triggers a tingle through my entire nervous system. Now I know such a feeling from a non-alcoholic beverage can't be good for me, but it is certainly good to me, especially when my emotions are running high.
2.
The Devil Wears Prada has got to be one of my best reads all year. It's a light, humorous and all around fun read. For anyone who thinks that they have an overbearing boss, think again. Noone can be as demanding, cruel and insane as character, Miranda Priestly, the fictionalized Anna Wintour, former editor of Vogue magazine. This book will show you the true depths of what it means to be degraded, humiliated and pressured in the work place. Not only did it make me feel grateful that I don't work in that kind of environent, but, it also proved what I've always known....people in the fashion world are CRAZY and in desperate need of a two-piece and a biscuit. Alot of the drama they were going through stemmed from sheer hunger! Starvation diet ain't the way.
3. I wish I could find a jpeg of my mom to post, though somehow I don't think she'd be too pleased to know that her picture is in cyberspace. But anyway, as a kid my mom would tell me to stop crying and to save my tears for when I really needed them. I was always upset and crying over something...being at odds with some of the neighborhood kids, my crazy sister or dad or something my mom or grandmother wouldn't let me do. Regardless, I always went to my mom completely distraught and in tears (yes I was quite a dramatic child). She would tell me (and at the time I found it so cruel) that nothing in life is permanent and people will come and go in and out of your life. Years later, I finally get it and no longer find it such a cruel thing. Instead, the truth of it echoes pretty clearly. Every relationship ain't meant to be there forever. And like my cousin suggested to me a couple of weeks ago, just because someone is family, don't mean that they have to be in your life either(paraphrase). Unfortunately, it's a bitter pill to swallow at first.
So with that, thanks for reading.
