Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Aug 28, 2006

Where in the world is Nahmix?

I'm still alive! I've been crazy busy and thought things would never slow down. I can't believe I haven't posted anything in over 2 months. I've even been M.I.A. on the comment circuit and do know that I've missed y'all. I have so much to tell you special few and it's a lot of good stuff to share. I've had my share of battles over the past two months, but ya girl is still standing. Here's a little update on a few things and a preview of what's to come on others:

1. My dad is doing much better. His condition has stabilized significantly and his doctor visits are far less frequent than in the aftermath of his release from the hospital. He's even gained back a few of the pounds he's lost, giving his 6'2" frame a very healthy glow! He's returned to the kitchen with venom and I've gained a good 10lbs on his jerk chicken, peas and rice and curry alone over the past few weeks.

2. After an intense summer of preparation at work, we successfully opened 2 of our 3 schools this morning. The kids at our elementary schools returned to bright and early and hopefully, ready to learn!

3. I attended the most amazing exhibit on the African Presence in Mexico at the Mexican Fine Arts Museum last week. Loved it, loved it, loved it! It not only sparked further interest in African/Mexican history, but a blog on a few things you have to do before you die. Stay tuned...

4. I'm buying a new car soon! I've finally decided on what I want, I think?!?! I've gone back and forth on the make and model so many times that I'm kind of tired of talking about it, but I will until I actually get it. I'm finally getting a grown up car...whatever that means. This is going to be an adventure as, I've decided that this new car is going to be a stick and to date, I don't know how to drive one! Stay tuned...

5. I'm a few steps closer to being a homeowner. my loan application is in. Stay tuned...

6. In July, I got my 6 month evaluation. My bosses have been incredibly pleased with the quality of my work. I received a glowing a review accompanied by a merit raise!

7. During this two-month hiatus, I visited my mom in Atlanta twice. While there, we shopped until we literally dropped (e.g. went home and passed out from the exhaustion). Atlanta has the most amazing deals ever. For a queen bee bargain bin shopper like me, I tore through those stores like a kid in a candy store. Of couse you know I'll have to share a few of my most treasured finds with you including pics later. I will say though...there is one item that has me bubbling over with joy and excitement, that I can barely contain myself as I write this, so I'll tell you just a little more about it now. How many of you know how much I adore handbags? Well, I got a brown suede Hype handbag for 45% off! That's right a Hype bag for 45% off. Are you melting with jealousy yet? Wait until you see it!

8. I fully intend to finish my series: Don't Believe the Hype. Part 3 of 4 is on it's way and this time I'm addressing the "Grown and Sexy." I got much to say about this crowd!

Well, that's it for now. Thanks for the comments and emails. Glad to know that some of you haven't forgotten about me!

Jun 14, 2006

And it doesn’t make a bit of sense

and neither does this and and that’s not a title nor a real sentence but its all I can do right now. So go ahead and suspend all your notions of grammar and spell check or punctuation…because at this moment it’s not about what’s right or what’s proper…it’s about unloading in the only way my mind can at this very moment…if I’m ever gonna get any sleep tonight or this morning or whenever…It’s 1:47 am and Bill Withers Lovely Day is on repeat. Subconsciously I know it ain’t a lovely day and it hasn’t been for quite a while, but it’s one of my favorite songs and I need to hear it. It’s the only song that can make me feel happy when I’m discouraged and hopeful when I’m just a bit weak. And for that, im grateful for just the melody alone. one day amidst april’s final days I woke up and discovered that time doesn’t wait for anyone. It was a casual but massive blow to the core. I could have vomitted. My father was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and an enlarged heart, deteriorated heart muscles and risk for serious blockage and other hollow cardiological (if thats a word?) stuff that I’m just not equipped to process. This life, this life…the doctors and the nurses explained it to me and I looked it up on the internet but I still don’t get it. how does the person with the biggest heart in the world end up with a defective one? Shouldn’t enlarged mean good, not bad, not functioning irregularly, not overworked, but good, but great, but will beat forever! Why can’t it mean good? But there is good, there is good news. Aggressive heart treatment has rendered his health improving exponentially, less medicine necessary, less hospital visits necessary, less of me calling to check up and more of me feeling awful everyday for not calling more, for forgetting to call because im so busy and important, for feeling like I have to be prepared when I do call because I can’t let go of pass hurt, pass misunderstandings to even celebrate life and love, why can’t I can’t pick up the phone and call more without anxiety? Why didn’t I just call BJ when she didn’t show up for work for two days? 55, a co-worker, a quick friend, confidant, and probably one of few or two people that have ever truly listened to me and actually heard. found dead in her apartment…a cerebral aneurism. I wonder if she suffered. I wonder if she tried to call for help. Why can’t I remember the last conversation we had? Why didn’t I call her on that Friday when she hadn’t showed up for work again? Why was I too lazy to even find the number that she gave me that was so easily accessible had I just taken the time? I’ll never forget the very moment I thought to myself that I should call her and then I just didn’t. But what does it matter now because I now know that even in thought I was too late. she passed on sometime after 3pm on that Thursday. What if it had occurred to me sooner and I had called on Thursday before 3pm...what would I have said? But I have to stop wondering. I have to silence the restlessness and find some peace enough for sleep this night. i should be grateful (i hate that word) calm, less worried but its hard because i wanna be a kid again. i wanna be back on my block where everything made sense and sleep was abundant, 120th & Michigan jumping double dutch listening to rap music on my boombox convinced that i was gonna be the next around the way girl buying penny candy flamin hot cheese doodles and grape pop, walking bare foot in the street watching the teenage boys play baseball in the abandoned lot on my corner. in that world people didn't grow old they didn't get sick and when they died it didn't mean that they weren't coming back, but that they would be gone just long enough for me to forget that I would miss them. In that world the neighborhoods around me were constantly changing but it wasn't genetrification...the white people were just moving to the burbs and according to my cousin thats where they needed to be, erect a gate and lock them out, he said. now look! in that world i didn't have to worry about my parents because they worried about me and that was enough worrying for God, man and the law. but its just not that simple anymore. time has just flown by and no matter how much I prepare (anxiety x 10 = overachieving highly functioning child of a former alcoholic...thank god for heart conditions...i suppose) my coping skills lack serious emotional sophistication, the kind that would keep me away from doing this...oversharing on this blog at this hour when sleep should be easy. and i am sorry for it. Just when I think I've mastered being in charge of my life, something happens to shake up the puzzle and suddenly the pieces don't fit and my emotional faculties point to childhood for the answer, or maybe the escape. It wasn't as if life was easy...by age 9 I was fully aware of most aspects of my life. I was one of three black kids in my class from K-6...so I knew I was different and I knew what the world thought of it. I was raised in a single parent home and I didn't need mollie orshansky to calculate a poverty line to tell me we were poor. my parents were indignantly unamerican so we stood out amidst the mass of southern emigrants in our neighborhood. i may not have known about functional alcoholism until i saw it on oprah, but i had enough anxiety to know that we had a some issues. But through it all, I was still happy. I didn't care about what i wasn't because i had enough of everything else to sustain me and sleep wasn't such a hardship. my parents loved me and provided what they could and often what they couldn't. I said at the start of this year that it's all about about happiness in 2006 and I'm clinging to it with everything I have left, even it means reverting to childhood for a little bit of comfort, a few moments of clarity or just a few hours of sleep.

Mar 17, 2006

Another chapter closed...


After 2 1/2 very long, stressful years, filled with doubt, frustration, anger and exhaustion...it's all over. I now have a Masters in Social Service Administration and no clue what's ahead long term. I'm just glad to be done...FINALLY!!!

Jan 20, 2006

Belated New Year...


Well, I'm back! It's taken me a while to post this brief note, but I'm glad to do it. It's a new year and I can honestly say I feel good about it. As a matter of fact, I feel hopeful that this year will be rich with possiblities and that's definitely a first for me.

In the past, I'd start a new year with a laundry of do's and don'ts and promises to make change that I never make good on, only to end the year feeling like a complete failure. However, as 2005 closed, none of those feelings prevailed. Instead, I welcomed 2006 because I knew that after the stress of the previous year and the many lessons learned, it could only be better.

So, no resolutions for me this year. No sweeping statements about how different my life is going to be and no grand "to do" list to share with you. In 2006, I just want to be happy; and I want to find that happiness and all it entails in whatever form it comes.

As it stands, I have so much to look forward to and to be grateful for this year.

1.) I started a new job on January 9th. I'm now the Project Manager for a university affiliated charter school corporation. It's a huge step in the right direction both professionally and financially.

2.) I turn 26 on February 5th and I didn't gasp for air as I typed that either.

3.) I reinitiated the homebuying process and have my first SERIOUS counseling session on February 15th.

4.) I graduate with my Masters in Social Service Administration on March 17th. Forreal this time! :-)

5.) I work in the Christian Education department of my church and I helped to outline a calendar of events for our kids that will be enriching and fun!

6.) I have no doubt that there will be serious bumps in the road, but I have faith that I'll endure; and that's really all that I need!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Best wishes for happiness in 2006!

Dec 7, 2005

Study break!


It's finals week and I'm in hell! No, not really, but I've been stressed and working my ass for the past few weeks. Between work, school and other obligations, I'm exhausted!!! This time tomorrow, I'll be in the clear and looking forward to sleeping more than 3 hours a night!

I'll be back before the end of the year!

Sep 15, 2005

A full moon or what? (long)


I know that in every experience good, bad or indifferent, there are always lessons to learn. Whether I learn the lesson when I'm going through something or not, I ultimately believe that shit happens for a reason. Unfortunately, I don't always get it, but I do, however, accept that that maybe I'm not always meant to understand. And that's ok; when that happens, I simply hold firm in my belief that one day it will all make sense.

With that said, August surely proved itself to be one hell of a month. I managed to have several days of sheer joy in seemingly little things; yet at the same time, dealt with what seemed like a neverending string of twisted, drama-filled, incomprehensible and rather unfortunate events. It got so bad that at one point, I paced the entire length of small, yet ultra cozy apartment at least a 100 times, trying desperately to figure it all out. And after that didn't work, I did what I should have done from the very beginning. I surrendered! I announced to God and my apartment, with windows and blinds wide open (because my July electricity bill made it clear that it would be financial suicide to run my air conditioner any longer), "Lord, I don't get it."

I know my landlord and neighbor heard me. They were out there watering the damn lawn and plants....AGAIN! They probably glanced up ay my window several times as I paced back and forth, thinking that I had surely lost my mind, but I don't care. And oh, who knew that the reason they were always out there watering crap was because they're growing tomatoes and zucchini. All the while I thought they were watering just to annoy the shit out of me.

Why...you wonder?

Well, we have a comfortable size backyard with grass, tons of trees and plants galore. All of this natural greenery harbors all sorts of bugs and critters. The more they water, the more bugs and critters come out. And if that ain't bad enough, my landlord has a large, mixed breed, dalmation looking, barking ass dog, who shits all over the yard and then runs through the puddles of water leaving tracks of mud, shit and grass everywhere. The backyard is a regular old pig pen, for which I of course, live in the free-standing rear apartment and am forced to hopscotch my way to my front door. Needless to say, I haven't been happy about this watering business, but I digress...

I surrendered and sought answers and a deeper understanding for all that I had some how managed to experience and overcome. I hit some real low points, but remained standing (minus that one night...a bottle of wine, a bathtub and one very long, sobbing and incoherent phone call...but thats a whole other blog). While I ain't much in the mood for details, I will say that it was a combination of my usual menu...feeling overwhelmed at work, pressure from my upcoming final quarter of graduate school, family drama, serious financial woes and other personal shit. For me feeling overwhelmed by anything, especially work and/or school..."ain't no ho," if I may quote Robyn, safire's little sis.

Looking back, not all of the drama was even worth the emotional toll, but it also wasn't a futile exercise. I learned some valuable lessons that have put me at peace with a few situations. And finding calm amidst any storm is always a welcomed presence. Life is just far too short to spend portions of our lives incapsulated with drama. It's inevitable that at times we will become unhappy, frustrated, angry, hurt, disappointed, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. But, when we allow ourselves to be totally consumed by these emotions; we paralyze our ability to see and think clearly, to learn and to heal. We hold on to old hurt for dear life, truly afraid to find out that maybe all that exists in that space of old hurt is old hurt. And then, we're just far too ashamed to admit that while time has progressed, people have grown, lives have changed, we've been stuck in a time warp of anger and bitterness, blaming someone else for our own condition.

Over the past month or so, I've found regular comfort in a few things.
1.

I have developed a real love for diet coke! There is just something about that first sip of an ice cold one that can put me at ease with the world. The cool crisp liquid triggers a tingle through my entire nervous system. Now I know such a feeling from a non-alcoholic beverage can't be good for me, but it is certainly good to me, especially when my emotions are running high.

2.

The Devil Wears Prada has got to be one of my best reads all year. It's a light, humorous and all around fun read. For anyone who thinks that they have an overbearing boss, think again. Noone can be as demanding, cruel and insane as character, Miranda Priestly, the fictionalized Anna Wintour, former editor of Vogue magazine. This book will show you the true depths of what it means to be degraded, humiliated and pressured in the work place. Not only did it make me feel grateful that I don't work in that kind of environent, but, it also proved what I've always known....people in the fashion world are CRAZY and in desperate need of a two-piece and a biscuit. Alot of the drama they were going through stemmed from sheer hunger! Starvation diet ain't the way.

3. I wish I could find a jpeg of my mom to post, though somehow I don't think she'd be too pleased to know that her picture is in cyberspace. But anyway, as a kid my mom would tell me to stop crying and to save my tears for when I really needed them. I was always upset and crying over something...being at odds with some of the neighborhood kids, my crazy sister or dad or something my mom or grandmother wouldn't let me do. Regardless, I always went to my mom completely distraught and in tears (yes I was quite a dramatic child). She would tell me (and at the time I found it so cruel) that nothing in life is permanent and people will come and go in and out of your life. Years later, I finally get it and no longer find it such a cruel thing. Instead, the truth of it echoes pretty clearly. Every relationship ain't meant to be there forever. And like my cousin suggested to me a couple of weeks ago, just because someone is family, don't mean that they have to be in your life either(paraphrase). Unfortunately, it's a bitter pill to swallow at first.

So with that, thanks for reading.

May 15, 2005

Temporarily down, but not out...


Life is working out its issues again. I'll be MIA, but hopefully not for too long!

In the meantime, see what my neighbors are up to!

Best
-M

May 8, 2005

Happy Mother's Day Surprise...

So, I had every intention today of posting some elaborate gushy story about why I love my mother, but because of all of the exciting things I did today (NOT!), I was just too damn lazy to do it. I was thinking about doing a spin off of summer's post, 5 reasons we loves our mommas, but I was too lazy to even comment. Instead, I called my mother and wished her a simple Happy Mother's Day.

I spoke to her again just a few minutes ago (for the 3rd time today) just because I was sitting here completely bored. I casually asked her what she was doing. She responded "watching my Sunday night show." Now me, thinking I know my mother so well asked, "Judging Amy?" In case you didn't know because I've never mentioned it before, my mother loves "Judging Amy." I mean loves with capitals L-O-V-E-S! She even has my sister TIVO the daytime reruns, so that she can watch them in the evening to catch up on seasons past. My mother responded, "no, the L Word."

If you've never seen a black girl's mouth hit the floor, then you missed out because I was picking mine up and trying to put it back together. My mother, one of the biggest prudes I know, watches the "the L Word". She even refers to it as her "Sunday night show." The shock of this still hasn't worn off.

In just the few seconds it took her to say "the L word," it was definitely clear to me one of the reasons why I love my mother so much. She is constantly evolving. Though she is rather old fashion, she makes efforts to stay current and I loves it! She is ultimately not afraid to take a few steps outside of her norm and be a little daring. I have much respect for her.

I'll never forget the conversation (a few week ago) where she told me to "lean back" and "brush the dirt off my shoulders" a la Terror Squad and Jay Z respectively. I knew instantly she had been watching videos again.

Though I find it so funny, these are the kinds of things and moments that I cherish more than anything else. With just a few words, my mother managed to brighten up my lazy day with laughter and she's almost 3,000 miles away!

May 3, 2005

The sun will come out....tomorrow!!!


So, it's been almost a month since I've last been on here. Blogging seems like such a foreign concept right now. So much has happened, that I'm not really sure where to begin, but I'll start by telling y'all, the last few weeks have been a serious whirlwind of highs and lows. However, as the title suggests, the sun will come out tomorrow, or hopefully soon thereafter! I can honestly say that inspite of all of my mini-dramas and near meltdowns, I feel a bit better about my situations and that's rather unusual!! But as always, the usual is still just that...USUAL.

So, in case you were wondering where I've been, what I've been up to or how I've been doing, here's a bit of a run down.

I am still struggling and just about failing my Data Analysis class. It's of course my own fault because I haven't been doing the work. In another class, I had a professor totally flip out on me on some foreal bullshit. So, I got out of that situation quickly. Thank God!!! I am completely overwhelmed by everything else related to my education, which if I can keep it together for a few more months, I'll be graduating in December!!!

My money is still funny. I just don't make enough loot to live the way that I want and I can't motivate myself to really change my lifestyle.

My job is still a bit underwhelming! I feel like such a fuck up most days. Every machine I touch in the office either makes weird noises, jams or completely stops working. Additionally, I am often just completely BORED with the quality of the work assignments.

I am currently living real foul! My apartment looks like ole George Dubya dropped bombs in my living room, bedroom and kitchen! It's such a mess that in some areas, I can't even see the floor. I don't know where to begin and like everything else, I can't motivate myself enough to really do anything about it. Ask any one of the chix; every time they talk to me, I'm always cleaning; yet can't seem to get this apartment clean! Thank God I don't own a pet.

My bitch of a roommate moved out expectedly, but left a mess! Nasty Bitch! So, thats double the dirt. I am currently living alone in a very dirty 2-bedroom apartment, which the alone part really ain't that bad!

I have yet to lose the pesky 20lbs that I vowed to lose at the start of the year. Unfortunately, I fear it's never going to happen now because I started eating the yard bird again!

And to add insult to injury, I am still dickless in 2005, yet the center of every gay man's universe. They love the shit out of me! Y'all better bow down to the Queen Hag. My reign continues!

So, if it sounds like my life is sucking right now...that's because it is!! But, in spite of it all, I have resolved, YET AGAIN to persevere.

I will make it through the next seven months of graduate school, some way, some how. I will pass my Data Analysis class, finish my two incompletes from previous quarters, take complete my last four courses and graduate in December.

I'm going to attempt to make better sense of my financial situation. I am even comtemplating taking on an additional part-time job, but only during the summer to supplement my income. I'm even seriously considering curbing my spending...Ouch, it hurts already!

Surprisingly, I had a nice talk with my boss recently, which made me feel better about my job and about my career development for now. The old adage is true; ask not and you have not. I have to work on getting the knowledge and skills that I need out of this position if I'm going to pursue a real career in fundraising for now. It's solely my responsibility!

Yeah, I'm living pretty foul in my apartment, but that's not going to change until I move into my new dreamboat apartment at the end of this month. By that time, I will be through a few rough academic spots and hopefully in a different mindset. My new place is gorgeous and inspires me to the high standards of cleanliness indoctrinated in us Caribbeans. Afterall, cleanliness is next to godliness!

Although I haven't lost 20lbs, I also haven't gained the first 26lbs that I lost back. So, I am at a standstill and foresee myself here for a couple more months. I guess it's really not the end of the world!

And as for matters of the bedroom...I plead the fifth for now!!!

So there you have it; my pathetic life in a nutshell. Stay tuned for part 2! My life over the past few weeks did have a few highs... a trip to NYC with the chix, a Nikki Giovanni lecture, a couple of plays etc.

-M

P.S. Thanks to all for the kind comments, emails and inquiries. This sistah is still alive!!!

Mar 28, 2005

Damn, Damn, Damn.....

Just when I thought it was safe for me to go away for Easter weekend....I come home to utter chaos and disorder. What on earth did I do to deserve consistently getting shitted on in almost every situation? I mean seriously, why did all of this mess have to come down on me NOW? Its after 1AM and I just arrived home an hour ago and already I'm swimming in serious bullshit. Is it not enough that I'm fucking poor; I work full-time; I'm in graduate school part-time; and I'm completing an internship? I am fucking EXHAUSTED and STRUGGLING to make it every single day; and now as a new quarter starts TODAY along with a new work week, I'm already knee-deep in SHIT!!

I swear I feel like I'm cursed and I can just lay down and cry!

I'm too upset and far too tired to even continue.

I'll be on hiatus for the next 2-3 weeks.
I'll catch y'all in late April...HOPEFULLY!

-M

Nov 11, 2004

REVELATIONS...

no, not as in the last book of the new testament...which right about now, I need to read and reevaluate my life, because I certainly haven't been following my Christian walk on the straight and narrow! But in any case, these revelations, I'm sure are things that I probably knew already, but chose to ignore!

1. I'm a poor student.
So I took my micro-econ midterm tonight, and surprisingly it wasn't as frightening as I made myself believe. With the cheat sheet we were allowed to have, I got through the midterm, not with ease, but enough that the partial credit God may bestow a few blessings upon me. Working through the problems, (which there were 8 that spanned 17-pages...17-PAGES) I realize that (1.) cheat sheets won't substitute knowledge you don't have and (2.) had I done a better job throughout the quarter of reading and studying properly, I could have done much better than I did. I don't believe I failed, but I'm thinking a very low C, and thats anticipating the curve...ouch!

2. I'm a poor student.
Yep, you read right, the the same revelation again. I have a paper due on Tuesday, which I haven't started. Yeah this may sound like the norm for the average college student, waiting until the semi-last minute to write a paper. Hey, afterall its just Thursday and I still have the weekend right? Wrong! I don't have the weekend. Friday night is The Roots concert. Saturday I have to go visit my friend's mom who just got out the hospital and I have to do my hair which is a 3 hour process (I have very thick locs). Sunday, I have church and from there I have to work from 3-8pm because its opening night for the second show of our season, Cherry Orchard.

And if I'm going to tell the truth, I'm not a college student anymore. I'm in graduate school. I feel too old to still be doing the same shit. Grad school was suppose to be a mature experience, yet I've successfully reduced it to an extended undergrad experience. But ok, fuckit, if I'm really really going to tell the truth, the paper is my real issue here. Its suppose to encompass at least two interviews, one with a cop and the other with social worker type both of whom need to work with gangs. Its also research heavy. Not only have I not done the research, I have yet to even meet the two people I intend to interview. Can I screw myself any harder! Damn!!!!

3. My apartment is a curse!
Yep, Michelle thank your lucky stars you didn't move in with me here. This place is a pretty dump and half, not to mention a curse. So shit don't work and hasn't gotten fixed. The landlord is a BITCH. Every utility and additional service has acted an ass. From the electricity to the gas to the plumbing to cable to the damn DSL and guess what, those aren't even the real curses. I got a death threat left on my home voicemail on Sunday that I just discovered today, while at work. Yep, you read that right...a death threat, a full fledge...moan and groan with an "I'm gonna kill you bitch" at the end, not once, not twice, but 3 fucking times. W-T-F? So, I reported it to the police tonight. Tomorrow a trace is being placed on my line. The stupid son of a bitch called from a number that shows up on my caller ID, yet, I have no clue who, how or why the fuck me! So, pray that this is all handled with care!!!

4. French fries, ketchup and driving don't mix.
No matter how many times I try to do it, eating and driving don't mix. Why can't I get that through my head already?? So, not only did I try to eat french fries and drive, I had the nerve to try dipping them in ketchup too. STUPID. Its inevitable that one will either spill the fries, spill the ketchup, hit a car or worse hit a pedestrian. Well today, I spilled the kecthup, and all over my pants...as if I don't already have a shit load of clothes I can't afford to take to the cleaners. I swear, I'm like the biggest TARD to walk the earth.

5. Emotional eaters must avoid routes with quick food.
Why was I eating those darn fries anyway? Well, my anxiety was running so high on the way to my exam that I suddenly felt hungry...or not really! Its more like I spotted a McDonalds a few feet ahead and decided french fries would soothe the anxiety that I would never have been feeling, had I been a better student. I swear I need help quick, fast and in a hurry...forreal!!!

So there you have, I'm feeling like a royal mess right about now! So, I have to go, work at 7:30 tomorrow morning. No big deal though, I'm leaving that place at 4pm. The Roots, here I come!!!

-M

Nov 10, 2004

A Very Small Peace of Mind...

A mentor and dear friend sent me this article. It's a powerful critique on the recent election, one of the best I've read. I found it a bit infuriating when I think about just how vital this election was to our future, especially us black and brown folks. However, it's a reflective and rejuvenating reminder that the struggle continues and we gotta fight...PERIOD!

Concede Nothing To Bush; Black Concensus Remains Intact-The Black Commentator

The worst possible outcome of Tuesday’s election would have been that George Bush won with the help of a divided Black electorate. Instead, African Americans reaffirmed the vitality of the Black Political Consensus – our eyes firmly fixed on the prize: peace, jobs and justice. Despite faith-based blandishments to the sell-out branch of the Black clergy, massive deployment of the GOP’s gay wedge issue and, most hurtfully, the Kerry team’s initial determination to render African Americans invisible and mute in the campaign, Blacks stood like a rock in defense of their own interests. Undeterred by disinformation that insanely (or maybe just inanely) predicted a doubling of Black support for Bush, African Americans placed their numbers and sheer will in the path of the Bush II juggernaut. It rolled over us, by fair means and foul, but our Consensus – the impermeable historical glue that makes African Americans unique in the Diaspora – remained intact.

And, truth be known, we had more white people on our side in this election than at any time in modern American history – just not enough. The Bush men brag that their figurehead won more votes than any president, ever. Yet more people also voted against Bush than any previous president. We who have never – and will never – win US-wide power on our own, were on Election Day at the vortex of the struggle against an enemy that makes the planet shiver.

This is the cross we bear – and it muscles us up. That’s why the Republicans targeted Black precincts and voter rolls, everywhere – not just in the battleground states – in the attempt to bowl over the front pins in the Democratic electoral configuration. Republicans know where the center of the party’s demographic gravity lies, and they went for it, in full view of the world. After a “decent interval” of cynical niceties – a charade that began on Wednesday and will be catered by Kerry’s DLC – the GOP has every intention to bring to bear the full power of the Bush II state against mainstream Black America political structures.

As “provisional” citizens, we subjected ourselves to degrading identification interrogations, lined up like suspects deep into the night – or, as Harvard’s Dr. Michael Dawson puts it, “standing patiently for regime change” – only to be finally assigned a “provisional” ballot that may never be counted, or even known to exist. African Americans didn’t perform these electoral feats for John Kerry or any combination of white Democrats; we did it for ourselves, because we know what’s coming down the road.

An “inside” job

“We shall not be moved,” went the civil rights song. Four years of mercenary Black faces in high Republican places – Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice, Rod Paige – have failed to move us from our righteous Consensus for social justice and international peace, or to dim our highly evolved vision of Black America’s singular mission. These are the cards we have been dealt by history. However, African Americans are especially vulnerable to demoralization from within.

In mid-October, the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies (JCPES), the venerable Washington-based Black think tank, announced that its 2004 survey of African American opinion showed that 18 percent of respondents “would like to see” Bush win – dramatic “news” that the corporate media snatched up and clutched to their bosoms like the Holy Grail. Breaking down the figures, the JCPES claimed that 29 percent of “secular conservative” Blacks and 36 percent of “Christian conservatives” wanted Bush to win on November 2. Eight percent of “liberal” African Americans and 13 percent of self-identified “moderates” also wished for a Bush victory. “I think Bush's faith-based initiative, combined with the gay marriage issue and also Bush's sort of overtly Southern religious personality has made him more popular among black conservative Christians," JCPES research director David Bositis told the New York Times.

Apparently, the self-selected Black “conservative Christians” were actually less numerous than the JCPES assumed, or didn’t understand the question, or said what they thought the pollsters wanted to hear.

Within less than two weeks, the New York Times and the St. Petersburg, Florida, Times claimed to have independently discovered that 17 and 19 percent of Blacks, respectively, had lined up in the Republican column. This, as headlines screamed the full extent of the Bush administration’s planned disruptions of Black voter activities. A disclaimer was issued by the two white papers on October 25, warning that their data could be off due to “large margins of sampling error because of the small samples of black voters.” But by then, Republicans and their media allies were gleefully celebrating the giant crack in the Black Political Consensus, citing JCPES as the authority.

Head researcher Bositis began backing off the JCPES’s finding, telling columnist Deborah Mathis the 18 percent figure was “an outside number; something in the 12-14 percent range may be more like it. Even so,” Mathis wrote, “that would be almost double what W got from black voters in 2000.”

When Black voters finally got to speak for themselves on November 2, Bush got 10 or 11 percent of the Black vote, respectively, according to Washington Post and CNN exit polls. The ultra-high profile presence of Condoleezza and Colin, the millions lavished on corrupt Rev. Greedygut preachers, the endless propaganda about a growing “new class” of Black conservatives, the disinformation from the New York Times and, yes, from the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies – all this and more over four years had moved the Black electorate a mere one percent or (maybe) two into the Republican ranks.

“The turnout should wash away any doubt about the conclusions African Americans have come to about the legitimacy of this regime,” said Harvard’s Dr. Dawson, a noted social demographer who, along with colleague Dr. Lawrence Bobo, has been studying racial divisions under the reign of George W. Bush. (See , “Blacks, Whites Live in Different Moral Universe, October 28.)

The JCPES, which over the years has accrued great authority as a source of data and analysis about African Americans, should take much more seriously the harm that it inflicts through data that is not put into proper context, or just plain bad data. This is not the first time that the Joint Center has given aid and comfort to the Hard Right through faulty questions and imprecise conclusions (see , November 21, 2002).

The Black Consensus is perhaps our greatest resource. As distinguished from a reflexive, unthinking sense of “unity,” the broad African American worldview is based on generations of shared experience with the same foe: American white supremacy. It is, in a sense, our collective genius: the ability to sustain a humane and progressive Black polity while under constant assault from the larger society’s corrupting commercial, political and cultural forces – including the coercive powers of an ever-hostile state. The Black Political Consensus should never be artificially buttressed or exaggerated, but to the extent that it exists, it is our sword and shield. It takes us into battle, and prepares us for the next one. It sustained us through November 2.

Gays, Youth, Latinos and lots of whites

Union officials deeply involved in the get-out-the-vote effort in Detroit tell of “ferocious” debates among rank and file Blacks over anti-same-sex marriage initiatives on the ballot in Michigan and ten other states, on Tuesday. While urban infrastructure and services crumbled around them, otherwise sensible African Americans allowed themselves to be engaged by the Republican’s wedge issue. On Election Day, Blacks were as likely as whites to vote against same-sex marriage – yet they did not take the bait set out for them by sell-out preachers, to vote for George Bush. There is no Black Consensus on homosexuality. The JCPES’s “Christian conservatives” – however many there are – knew where to draw the line.

New lines are being drawn by white youth who, starting in the Reagan years, polled even more conservative than their Sixties-influenced elders. Deep in the bowels of Alabama and South Carolina, where overwhelming majorities of whites swear by Bush, white youth broke ranks this week. “Even in the bastions of the Confederacy young people were breaking for Kerry,” Dr. Dawson told . “That’s the most positive sign for the future.” Indeed, it is clear proof of the deep penetration of Hip Hop sensibilities outside of the Black community. White rapper Eminem’s anti-Bush video-animation “Mosh” will likely, through the perverse mechanisms of corporate racism, cause record labels to loosen the political controls that have stifled many Black rap artists for more than a decade. Another political/cultural world is opening up even as the Bush men try to shut this one down.

Beyond the bling, Hip Hop activism is getting serious, portending a radically different – but no less rooted – political aesthetic as the Black Consensus evolves. (See , “Hip Hop Generation Agenda,” July 1, 2004.) Maya Rockeymoore, author of The Political Action Handbook: A How To Guide for the Hip Hop Generation, speaks of “an unprecedented focus on the presidential campaign among the 34 and under crowd. The challenge will be to get them to engage in driving a transformational political agenda beyond November 3."

Black youth are conscientiously assuming responsibility for the ancestral legacy. For many young activists, Hip Hop is a means to share African American wisdom and solidarity with the world. Bush can bum-rush the polls, but this show goes on. Harvard’s Prof. Dawson is cautiously optimistic, fearing that elections-programmed youth might “go into a three-year funk” until the next campaign. “We have to organize from the grassroots up. It’s a perilous future. The national government is going to go after the NAACP and the unions.”

African Americans are approaching that future guided by a Consensus on core issues that has so far remained largely impervious to outside manipulation – although it is subject to diversions and distractions such as the ridiculous debate on gays emanating from a gay-saturated Black church!

The November 2 data on Latino voters is disturbing. Bush appears to have garnered substantially more Latino votes than in 2000, a development that some observers credit to deepening Hispanic involvement in the military. Yet, no group includes more families with members in the military than African Americans, who nevertheless are the least inclined to support U.S. adventures abroad. Many Latinos are apparently headed in a different political direction, but we should not draw general conclusions without a nationality-by-nationality analysis. There is a whole world of Spanish-speakers in the Americas. There is no consensus on Latinos among African Americans, or among Latinos, themselves. November 2 has presented us with troubling questions.

Christians from Hell

The swelling white Republican base that triumphed on Election Day, is a nightmare. Although their actual numbers may well have been augmented by electronic means in counties with computerized voting (including the whole state of Georgia, for example), there can be no doubt that the Bush victory was propelled by something very much like a mass social movement, with its own vocabulary and leadership structures. This is Bush’s army, says Dr. Dawson. “The Bush administration has achieved absolute mastery of white Protestants, particularly those with less education. This is damning for the country and its future.”

It is actually a familiar enemy, drawn from the same “stock” that have cut off their economic noses to spite Black faces since the end of the Civil War. They were once the Dixiecrat base, who then became the southern Republican base, and are now tied together with similar white elements throughout the country by interlocking networks of churches and the Republican Party. The corporate media feign surprise and fascination at the emergence of this huge group of whites – a posture that strikes many Blacks as disingenuous, since those of us with southern roots know that crowd all too well. According to the Washington Post’s David Broder, “the exit poll indicated that about 22 percent of [Tuesday's] voters were white evangelical or born-again Christians, three-quarters of whom went for Bush.” That amounts to about one-third of Bush’s total national vote.

This indispensable core, which now acts as a mass citizen militia for Karl Rove and other Bush commandants, scares the hell out of many of the 44 percent of white folks who didn’t vote for Bush. Black Americans do not need European models of fascism to understand the grave threat these people represent to life and liberty. They are the folks standing under the tree, while we swing from the limbs.

These whites – or rather, their leaders – are masters of euphemism. They swamped the polls (with some technical and political assistance) on Tuesday with the words “moral values” on their lips – white evangelical code for the “good people” versus the “bad” people. The ancient but still fiercely operative Black-white paradigm has been overlaid with “Arabs,” “clash of civilizations” and “homosexuals,” but it’s still the same onion. The new texture of the old paradigm of oppression simply allows more whites to act/vote on what NAACP Chairman Julian Bond calls their “racist impulses.” These are the impulses that fueled the Republican electoral machine.

On the other hand, we at believe that there is a far deeper and wider white opposition to the current regime than existed at any point in the supposedly “turbulent” Sixties and early Seventies. Many anti-Bush whites are aware that when Black folks were disenfranchised by a criminal conspiracy of George W. Bush’s national government, they were also disenfranchised. Even larger proportions of white youth know the deal. Black people’s only obligation to them is the same one we have to ourselves: to lead.

Kerry’s separate peace

As usual, the corporate media pretend that the Republican’s bullying and official criminality in the weeks preceding Election Day – events they covered – never happened. John Kerry collaborates in the farce, proclaiming in his public concession speech that America is in "desperate need for unity, for finding common ground and coming together. Today, I hope we can begin the healing."

But the troops who carried him, the Black men and women targeted for harassment and humiliation at the polls, are bleeding on the field, many of their votes never to be counted or even acknowledged. The vaunted legions of Democratic lawyers that were supposed to descend on Ohio and Florida to tear apart the rigged systems of electoral apartheid were told to stand down on Tuesday night. PBS News Hour’s Margaret Warner told viewers that Kerry’s legal team advocated a “scorched earth” policy to challenge the crooked system until it screamed – a result Democratic troops would have cheered. Kerry overruled his lawyers, to make a false peace with the Pirates.

At Harvard, Dr. Dawson reports that “students don’t understand how Kerry could concede before all the votes, particularly Black votes, were counted. He owes those people, who stood for hours in line and were asked for multiple identifications. We have another bounced check.”

And what of the provisional ballots in Ohio, which Democrats at one time numbered at 250,000? What about all the federally-mandated provisional ballots in each of the 50 states. Are these all to be swept under the rug to avoid what Kerry calls “a protracted legal process?” Once again, reconciliation between the rich and white trumps justice for Blacks every time.

In Florida, the computer-generated Bush-heavy election returns that so dramatically clashed with earlier Kerry-heavy human exit polls are now explained away as the result of the stealth invasion of Karl Rove’s church-based mass voter movement – a half-million strong evangelical invasion force that most hard-wired Republican pundits did not even know existed. As “Ghosts of Florida” author Tom Grayman III writes, “by no method has it been determined that the [exit] polling was incorrect and the voting equipment was not.”

On Washington-based XM-Radio, talk show host Mark Thompson remarked that the “third eye” of every Black person in America was wide open, blinking in disbelief as Kerry Democrats and Bush Republicans rearrange the facts about November 2, 2004.

The last thing America needs is unity with thieves, Pirates and punks. The nation and the world need peace, jobs and justice. Let’s get back to work.

FMI: Check out The Black Commentator at

Nov 4, 2004

My heart is heavy...




another day of mourning!

Nov 3, 2004

Another sad day in our history...

4 more years with Bush Jr.

No words. Silence is my only comfort today!

:-(

Oct 19, 2004

I have got to get myself together!!!!

I am falling into the same trap again!!!! I know it. I can see it!! I can feel it. I have to get my life in order.

Oct 8, 2004

Termination 101...

Dear _________________,

Thanks for your willingness to work on the weekends for ________________ but your working on the weekends does not support _________________ in the way that is necessary to the work that we need to accomplish for the success of project.

At this time, we do not need any weekend support for _________________. We have hired three additional people to work during the week when the office is busy and we are able to work as a team on __________________ issues.

I am willing to write you a letter of reference or recommendation for future placement opportunities. Thanks you for your service to __________________.

Sign your name_____________________________

So I posted this simply to illustrate the point of a random quote I recently came across:

"So you think life isn't fair? Well just think how much worse it would be if life was fair, and all the awful things that happened to us, happened because we actually deserve them. I for one take great comfort in the completely impersonal hostility of the universe." (Anonymous)

Believe me, I do take comfort in the completely impersonal hostility of the universe because I realize that some people are just NUTS!

-M

Sep 7, 2004

A New Job and all that Jazz

I started my new job today. I am a Development Associate for Steppenwolf Theatre Company, reknowned worldclass theatre. I am so excited because this is my first non-school, non-program, permanent kind of job. This is the real deal job as in a stepping stone to a career and bigger and better things.

My first day went well, I think. I made a couple of minor errors, but I chalk it up to being new and still learning my boss's style...which is going to be interesting, to say the least. Admittedly, I had a few reservations about taking the job, namely its serious lack of diversity. Ok fuccit, there are no black people there, or at least none that my naked eye could see. So, I was definitely hesitant about what the experience might offer. I've been in this position before. No actually, this experience is precisely the story of my life so believe me when I say I know it well!!!

Although, I was on alert all day for red flags, surprisingly I didn't find any of major concern. Lords knows I can smell deception miles away, so I was prepared. I will say again though, this will be an interesting experience for me, especially to see if I am really cut out for the 9-5 lifestyle and to learn if this is the direction my life is suppose to take. I often feel so conflicted about what I'm doing, what I should be doing and what I meant to do. Hopefully this new job sets all that jazz ablaze and gives me a real sense of direction.

I look forward to tomorrow and the rest of my days at STC.

Check us out at: www.steppenwolf.org

-M

Sep 1, 2004

My New Landlord is a B*TCH!!!

Moving from a third floor apartment was difficult enough and dealing with all of the shadiness and bs of the old building almost killed me. Now my new landlord is the spawn of a demon seed. I can't win for trying.

I am moving at the end of my lease....this time next year!

Thanks to Dee and Iris for coming through for me and helping with the move.

Special shout out to Matt and his extra flyy Sigma bros T and Jeremy for moving the heavy stuff. The brothahhood is powerful.

I could not have moved without yall fearless five!!!!!

-M

Aug 20, 2004

"To Live and Die in LA..."

Tonight, my cousin told me that on Tuesday, some of the local thugs that patronize the crackhouse across the alley from my home in LA had a shoot out. A stray bullet pierced our patio screen, went through my mom's bedroom door and shattered her jewelry box and a bottle of purfume.

Only my cousin was home and thankfully she was away from the patio area and my mom's room. My cousin believes this shooting had to do with a police raid that took place a few weeks earlier, where police arrested several people and confiscated 2 shotguns, drugs (I'm sure) and who knows what else.

This occurrence proves exactly why we cannot be concerned only about what happens in our own homes. As a community we have to rally against people and elements that we know and the police know are breeding grounds for drugs, gang activity and violence. This little backhouse has always been associated with drug trafficking since we moved into the neighborhood in 1995.

This isn't the first shooting to occur on our block. Its not even the first time a stray bullet made its way into a resident's home. During the last shooting, a stray bullet entered the home of our neighbor on the opposite corner. Luckily, no one was hurt then either. I am concerned...how many more times will this happen before they kill my family or my neighbors, especially since the community is already dead!

-M

Aug 10, 2004

bspnews Check me out tonight on CANTV, channel 19 at 7:30pm!!!!

Deonna and I will be discussing The Black Star Project and our upcoming events!!! Be sure to tune in!!!

For more info, visit our site: The Black Star Project

Yeah Baby!

-M

P.S. I don't believe you can access CANTV, channel 19 outside of Chicago!!!